To illustrate, here are several common types of failures and the
words lusers use to report them:
- Problem: X server encounters a SEGV and dumps core, possibly due to having fifty instances of xdoom running.
Luser report: "The system crashed!"
- Problem: Running any program yields 'resource temporarilly unavailable' errors due to fifty instances of web browser consuming all available virtual memory.
Luser report: "The system crashed!"
- Problem: Keyboard stops responding because luser decided to rearrange their office/cubicle/whatever and moved their machine, unplugging the keyboard in the process.
Luser report: "The system crashed!"
- Problem: Luser decides he doesn't like the new arrangement, moves everything back, unplugs network cable and forgets to reconnect it.
Luser report: "The system crashed!"
- Problem: Screenserver kicks in unexpectedly.
Luser report: "The system crashed!"
- Problem: CD-ROM stops playing their music CD (probably because it hit the last track and finished).
Luser report: "The system crashed!"
- Problem: Badly written Lose95/Lose98/LoseNT application blows up and displays a box that says "such and such has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down."
Luser report: "The system crashed!"
- Problem: Internet Exploder won't start due to luser having installed some 'critical' application (Quake), creating a snarled mess of screwed up DLLs.
Luser report: "The system crashed!"
- Problem: Luser unable to download 100MB file from web server due to home directory filesystem being full (because of the presence of zillions of other copies of the same file).
Luser report: "The system crashed!"
- Problem: Luser turns Sun optical mousepad sideways (either by accident or on purpose) causing mouse movement to become strange and erratic. (Alternatively: luser replaces Sun optical mousepad with their own personalized mechanical mouse pad with picture of their wife/kids/dog/mistress on it.)
Luser report: "The system crashed!"
(This one is getting rarer as Sun has stopped shipping optical mice.
I still have one, and dammit I'm keeping it.)
- Problem: Building-wide power failure.
Luser report: "The system crashed!"
- Problem: Luser finds mysterious closet next to their office and decides to use it for personal storage, throwing out 'obviously uneeded' equipment he finds there, even though said equipment is powered on, wired up, and covered with flashing blinkylights.
Luser report: "The system crashed!"
- Problem: SGI IRIX system reports "couldn't contact object server."
Luser report: "The system crashed!"
- Problem: Catastrophic electrical fault leading to flames and smoke belching from the CPU.
Luser report: "The system crashed!"
- Problem: Printer doesn't print (because luser switched it off/it ran out of paper/it ran out of toner/etc...)
Luser report: "The system crashed!"
- Problem: POP mail client won't download mail (or crashes) because other luser e-mailed them a 100MB MPEG/Quicktime/WAV/spreadsheet/etc attachment for no particular reason other than they figured out how to do it.
Luser report: "The system crashed"
- Problem: Luser's self-developed application won't run due to luser's own lack of coding expertise.
Luser report: "The system crashed!"
- Problem: Web browser reports it can't connect to some random http server (the browser error message is of course too vague to pin down the problem without further investigation).
Luser report: "The system crashed!"
Actually, this last one can be misleading. Among their other faults, lusers have tunnel vision which blinds them to all other problems except their own. This means that the world could be coming to and end around them and yet all they're worried about is that they can't get to their favorite web server. The primary DNS server could have thrown a disk, the main router or switch could have exploded, a root luser might have accidentally typed /bin/rm -fr /, the building could be on fire, aliens might have landed, and the staff could be in the midst of a mad panic trying to undo all the horror, yet the only indication the luser has that there's anything wrong is that his stupid web browser doesn't work.
