Credits: Lars Clausen, 
lrclause@cs.uiuc.edu
i am learning dev 2k and would be greatful to you all if u could suggest any newsgroups for newbies like me
Your ref: mc/lost
Our ref: mc/richbastards
Dear Sir,
Following your request for information regarding ?MicroCrunch Devil 2K, we are pleased to enclose data on the various versions that will be available once we have given up^W^Wfinished testing. If you would like to make other enquiries regarding MC Devil 2K, please see our web site at www.hell.com, or call us (TOLL FREE!) on 1-800-CRUNCHY.
To cater for the more impressionable, MC Dev 2K Jr features new support for our ?ActivelyCrunchy Barmy(tm) toy?1. Watch him demonstrate strange mystical motions, and laugh as he teaches your child how to chant?2! Couple this with the included touch-sensitive ouija board and high-contrast tarot cards, and your youngster is in for a treat that'll be with him until our office^W^WHell freezes over?3!
Please note: Parental supervision is recommended for this product, and a member of clergy should be readily available. ?MicroCrunch takes no responsibility for spinning heads or ectoplasmic expulsion.
Price: 3 Souls
Are you a student or teacher? In that case you'll love?4 our Student License option! Complete with a fixed 'spin-the-bottle' game that is guaranteed?5 to point towards the fit people in your year and a devil's-dance CD (with steps provided by our own in-house goth) that your pupils will be only too happy?6 to join in with!
Price: 5 Souls (or one ordained member of clergy)
Are you training to be a devil-worshipper, but lacking the tools to get started? With MC Dev 2K Pro, you'll have all you need to start your own cult! Voodoo dolls and animal corpses?7 come included as part of this package, so you'll be burning down churches in no time?8! Even better, MC Dev 2K Pro comes with Black Magic for Dunces FREE ?9 so you can learn how to build stakes in a matter of weeks!
Price: 6 Souls (or one scientology person)
I hope this information satisfies your enquiry, and I wish you success with the products that you will?10 be buying soon.
Yours, Gillian Bates DCLXVI (Lord of Darkness)
?1: Barmy(TM) and the slogan "Fun to play with, fun to kill with!" are trademarks of ?ActivelyCrunch Inc, as is the bloodied sword logo.
?2: MC Dev 2K comes with Gregorian and Latin chanting plugins. To add more languages, an upgrade can be obtained for three (4) souls.
?3: We take no responsibility for the temperatures of Nether Hell, the Styx, ?TransMeta Inc, or Satan's Dark Dominion.
?4: If you do not love your product, you can return it as long as the package remains unopened and a small dagger is present inside.
?5: MC ?SpinTheBottle(TM) is only compatible with opposite sex partners.
?6: Happiness (TM) is a trademark of Linus Torvalds, 1999.
?7: Refunds not accepted.
?8: MC Dev 2K Pro is not certified Y3K compliant, and so 'time' currently extends to 1000 years.
?9: Include 10 vouchers from ?SuperSatan for your free book.
?10: Guaranteed.